You know what sucks.

The fact that no one is equal.

There are people out there more adept at life. People being born perfectly healthy, while others are born with terminal diseases, chronic pain and suffering. There are people born with a stronger body and high metabolism, while someone with a weak heart who loves sports can never hope to play as well as the person born with a strong body. Someone who loves to play violin but is stunted with a bone disease, while someone else excels with hardly any practice, because they just get it.

I know it’s selfish. It hurts to see geniuses half my age excel so much in the one thing that I love. It’s not their fault. I don’t hate them. I just… wish I was dealt a nice hand, too. I don’t get art, I don’t get drawing, I can’t grasp color theory and I don’t have a photographic memory. I can’t perceive a 3D form in a 2D space very easily. I’ve gotten where I am (a very average level of skill) by pure effort, by studying when I can and practicing as often as I can. And then I turn around and see someone who has been drawing for years I can count on one hand, who has never had a formal art class in their life; and they’re far above where I will be in 20 years. Maybe ever.

There is such thing as natural talent. No, it’s not like someone is born with the ability to draw well, but they’re born with abilities that help them learn it easier, faster. Their brains are wired different. We all are. And it’s not just art; everyone has things that they’re born with that can ease their progression through any talent.

No one is equal. And it sucks.

It doesn’t matter how much you love something. If you weren’t dealt a good hand in life, you can’t hope to get anywhere near the achievement as someone with that natural gift. You can work hard, you can be as best as you can be; but that best won’t be as good as a gifted person’s best.

Talent isn’t everything. I know. But self esteem is important. I don’t need to be the absolute best. I know it’s selfish. It just hurts. It hurts working for so long on something, then seeing someone barely lift a finger and do better than you can ever hope to do.

Having a heart, pain, muscle and bone condition, there isn’t a whole lot that makes me happy. I can’t do much. All I’ve ever done is draw and read, because I can’t be out there like everyone else.

It just hurts. And crying only makes me feel like a spoiled little bitch. I live in a first world country, I’m not dying, I’m alive. I’ve got a roof over my head. A loving family. What more can I ask for?

It just sucks.

I wish everyone could be equal. And that one’s talent is reflected by how much they love something. Because then, those who truly love something will be among the best. And maybe people like me sitting at mediocrity wouldn’t feel so bad, because it’s not quite as important to them.

I’d… actually feel better if people didn’t reply to this with encouraging words. There’s no bright side to it. That’s okay. Talent isn’t all what life is about, anyway. I just wanted to get this off my chest. It’s a frustration and deep sadness I feel like has been looming over me ever since high school.

I just wish everyone was equal.